Friday 27 September 2013

Mother Daughter Love

I remember when I was 14 and the doctors told me I would probably never be able to have kids. My heart was shattered into a thousand pieces and I mourned for my baby girl. The one I had always thought of, pictured and loved, even though she was never real, I felt her. The daughter I was now never going to meet but always wanted so badly, ever since I was little.

Throughout my pregnancy, it felt like a dream. I couldn't get my head around it and it was a hard time in mine and Warren's life and relationship. From the second I found out I was pregnant, I knew it was a boy. It had to be a boy. I was pregnant against the odds, there was no way it could be a girl as well.

Only once did I allow myself to pretend it might be a girl. I remember being led on the sofa searching through the baby names book at 6 months pregnant. I came across the name Summer and let my imagination run away with it. I imagined a little girl, around 4 years old playing in our garden in the sunshine, she had a pretty blue dress on and blonde wavy hair with blue eyes. She turned around and smiled at me, a big, happy smile that melted my heart. 

That's when I started to cry. I realised I would still never get that even though I was pregnant. This was the first and last time I pictured our baby girl. Those next few months leading up to the birth, I started calling the bump Lucas and persuading myself he was a boy. I guess I was preparing myself so I wasn't disappointed. Of course, I would have loved a baby boy, but deep down, I so desperately wanted a girl. 

I remember telling Warren I was in labour. With the excitement of it all and realising we were going to meet Lucas, our baby boy, I was genuinely happy we were having a boy. I was so excited to meet him and hold him, he was all I could think about. With that last push and my last contraction, I felt him come out. I remember feeling relieved and exhausted. I remember thinking 'he's here', I'll hold baby Lucas in a minute'. I completely forgot we didn't actually know for definite the sex of the baby. 

That's when I heard the words 'It's a girl' and once again, my heart broke in to a thousand pieces and I burst into tears, but this time, it was tears of happiness. I was so thankful and so happy I couldn't believe it. I kept asking if they were sure because now I finally had her in my reach, there was no way I could let her go. I still cry when I watch that footage, part 3 of my labour and birth. I cry because I still can't believe it and I remember how grateful and happy I felt. You can hear it in my cry.

Our mother daughter love was more than instant. I felt that love long before she was even conceived. It's the love I dreamt about and longed for my whole life. 
and it's a love that will always, always be there, 
getting stronger by the second. 

She's here at last.
My Perfect, Precious Baby Girl. 

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