Life lately

Life lately has been hard as you would expect. Life after baby has been such an emotional roller coaster, one day we're up, one day we're down and the next day we're on different levels altogether. I've mentioned before I have never felt grief before so this was/is all new to me. Some days I don't know what to do with myself, I know nothing anyone in the world could do can make it better and that is hard. We just have to learn to live and cope with it.

 I find it strange how one day I can talk about it fine, explain every little detail and not cry yet other days I can barely think about it without my eyes welling up. Although I think to a certain extent when I talk about it, I'm talking as if it hasn't happened to me. As if I watched someone else go through it and I'm just retelling what I saw. I guess part of me on the day of delivering the baby was trying to block it all out. I remember after I had delivered him/her, lying on the bed just staring past everything, feeling nothing. Just nothing. I couldn't cry, couldn't think, couldn't speak.. I just wanted to sleep so I couldn't feel the pain. I wanted to never wake up and remember it was true. Waking and remembering it's all still real is one of the hardest parts of our days.

I try to be brave for Sienna and find myself trying not to think about it all day so I'm not a wreck. To be the best Mother I can be to Sienna means I have to postpone the thoughts of our second baby which seems wrong. I think of the baby when the evening comes but then sometimes I can't stop the tears.

It's been over 3 weeks and I thought it would get easier with time but I feel like it's getting worse. I feel like the shock factor is wearing off and everything that's happened is starting to catch up with me, sink in and become real. The numbness is turning into flood of tears and I seem to be crying more and more.

On Friday, we have to meet with the Chaplain at the hospital and decide on the details for the service such as music, poems etc. It just seems so unreal that we are having to plan our baby's service. The cremation is on the 21st October and it's a day I wish we didn't have to go through.

In terms of our relationship after losing our baby, I feel like it is stronger than ever. These situations really can make or break relationships and I'm so glad we have become stronger. I'm so glad it's Warren that I'm going through this with, no-one else could get me through it.

I try to remind myself most days that everything happens for a reason, it will make us stronger and it will make it even more amazing when we do finally get another baby but sometimes none of that is enough, sometimes I just want my baby back.