Kerry Conway: To find out the gender or not?

We've been umming and ahhing over the past couple of months as to wether we want to know the gender of third and final baby before it's born.

We have done it both ways so far;

With Sienna we felt no real need to find out, we were excited what it may be and as she was our first, we didn't have any baby things already lying around so it was just a case of buying green or yellow and getting the rest when she was born. We were adamant the whole way through she was a boy and I was so shocked when it turned out she was a girl.

It was a lovely surprise and I don't think I've cried as much in my life but I do think I maybe found it hard to bond with her the first few weeks because I was expecting a boy. I know that's my fault as I should have been more open to the fact she could have been a girl as well but I just never thought I'd get a daughter of my own.

When I was pregnant with Aria, I felt such a strong urge to find out what gender she was. I think after losing Rocco I was protecting myself and not able to picture a baby at the end of it. Finding out it was another girl allowed me to imagine her, pick her name and starting getting a few bits and pieces for her making it seem real.

I also think it helped Sienna get used to idea of having a little sister way before she was actually here. Even though we found out with Aria, we didn't do anything fancy to announce it like a gender reveal, we just bought a pink outfit and put it on our Facebook saying it's a girl. When she was born I was relieved she was here safe and sound but I must admit it wasn't the same as with Sienna but maybe that was because it was the second time around and it's never as special as the first no matter what?

This time around, neither of us feel a massive urge to know the gender.. but I do feel as it was such a shock at the beginning, that it still hasn't sunk in properly and that I am struggling to feel as excited as I was with the other two. I'm hoping as it grows and I'm able to feel movements I will start to bond with it but at the moment I feel pretty blasé about it.

I think I am also still protecting myself a little bit as well because of previous losses.. once you have lost you never get the happy, naive pregnancy like you once did, it's always tainted with fear. Particularly as I'm still not past the point I was when we lost Rocco.

We're leaning more towards finding out and doing a proper gender reveal this time. It will make it more exciting and I'm hoping it will allow us to picture the baby joining our family and the girls can join in with getting things ready. We can also decide on a name and just allow it to sink in a bit more. We just need to find a fun way of revealing it and book our early gender scan as we can officially find out next week...!