Sunday 7 August 2016

A third baby

Ever since having Aria, everyone has been asking me if we will have anymore children. When I was pregnant with Aria, I never felt like she'd be my last. I felt so emotional those first few months of Aria's life.. knowing that I'd never have a baby that small again. I tried to soak it all up and I felt like I did but it already feels like a distant blur. 

I'm still struggling to come to terms with that to be honest, that she's my last. With Sienna, I was really excited for her to reach her milestones and watch her grow.. and of course I love watching Aria grow but it does make me so emotional. I'm already dreading her first birthday as I know I will just blub my way through the day. It marks the end of an era, the end of the baby days.

It's so funny because the baby days are SO incredibly hard and stressful and I remember just wanting to get through everyday.. yet they seem to pass so fast and the maternal pull of wanting to go back to those baby days is so strong. My ovaries literally ache and my eyes well up when I think about not having anymore babies. I feel like being a mum is all I'm good at in the world and that was my purpose, so to 'only' have two, seems a bit... unfinished?

But after what we've been through with Rocco and not knowing what caused him to pass inside me.. we feel like we just can't risk it. It could be that I can't carry boys.. who's to say the next time I get pregnant it won't be a boy? and the next? and the next? We could lose so many more babies and we're not prepared for that. 

With Aria I took the aspirin and it seemed to work.. but again no-one knows for sure wether it was the aspirin or she was just meant to be. There's so much uncertainty and worry around it. Aria's pregnancy was full of fear and I still feel so much more anxious about her than I did with Sienna at this age because I still can't believe she is here and healthy and all mine. I'm not sure I could go through it all again. 

We feel so, so blessed to finally have two healthy, beautiful girls and we are going to be so blessed to raise them and watch them grow into beautiful young women. 

*That is Rocco's scan and the print is by Prints279.

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