The love i have for Sienna is unbelievable and just thinking about writing this post bought tears to my eyes. Tears of joy at thinking how blessed i am and how much i am in love with this perfect baby girl.
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I wasn't nervous about labour. You can watch a million birthing clips and some women don't make a sound and others scream the house down, but you don't actually know what it will feel like for you. It obviously hurts, that is all i am saying on the matter. But i wasn't ready for the pain afterwards. Everyone tells you that as soon as the baby's out, the pain disappears and is all forgotten.
Err, no. Not for me. I don't want to scare you mums-to-be but
the period cramping is about 10 times stronger than normal and i kept asking the midwives if it was still suppose to hurt. I was amazed at how much pain i was in. 'You've just had a baby darling' was the response. Yes, i was aware of that, that is why i expect the pain to be gone!
Next, is the love you're supposed to feel instantly. I didn't get that rush of love like i thought i would. I loved her of course and was so happy i had her, but I had just been through 15 hours of labour on about 4 hours of broken sleep, been throwing up and bleeding heavily and still in agony. I felt delirious. I couldn't think about it right then i needed sleep before i could take it in.
The next couple of days were a blur, sleep deprivation and sore nipples were not fun and hard to adjust to. I felt nervous and anxious when i was alone with her, i didn't really know what to do with a teeny tiny newborn as squishy as her. All she did was eat, sleep and poop. It all felt quite-dare i say it-easy but unnerving. That first night in hospital she slept 6.5 hours straight-i woke up panicking. Wasn't i meant to be doing more? Feeding every 2 hours? Pulling my hair out? Up all night?
The feeling of anxiousness wasn't helped by the mummy police every time i went out, someone somewhere always has an opinion on how or what you should be doing. I constantly felt like people were looking and judging and i would rush when i went out because i just wanted to be back home safe and sound where no one could see and judge us.
I also felt a bit lost, i was living in my pjs with baby sick all over me and no nail polish-not something i was used to. I wondered if i'd ever feel like me again or just a milking machine that embarrassingly squirted milk everywhere with a jiggly belly i was uncomfortable with!
I remember the day after giving birth thinking why people would ever do this more than once, i was traumatised and in agony and not so sure i wanted anymore..
But now 5 months on, i finally feel like a mummy and i adore my baby girl. That rush of love is there every time i see her or think of her. I would do it all again in a heartbeat. For me, motherhood is more than what i dreamed off and i can only imagine the great things that are to come; to hear the words 'i love you mummy' will melt my heart the most.
People say that motherhood is the hardest but best thing they've ever done but i disagree. It is just the best thing i've ever done. Me and Warren have both said that it is actually easier than we thought, but i'm aware we have a very good baby. Come back and ask me when and if we have another!
Every day i love her more and more and think it isn't possible to ever love anything or anyone that much. The feeling is the strongest i have ever felt and it's only now i understand that motherly, unconditional love. All the snotty kisses, 6am wake up calls and sick stained dresses are more than worth it. You are willing to do anything for them. She only has to smile at me and it makes me fall in love all over again.
No matter how much you love your niece, nephew, brother, sister.. there is no love like your own baby.
How do you find motherhood?
Lovely post! Every labour is different, you can't compare one to the other. Like my epidural didn't work properly - so basically just had gas and air (like you) & after giving birth spent 6 hours waiting to go to theatre as I had such a bad tear. I'm trying to find time to do everything! Your DITL vlogs were helpful to me.
ReplyDeleteGreat post :-) I'm due to give birth next month and I'm excited and also nervous! This has helped me manage my expectations a little and not feel too bad if I don't feel back to normal as soon as I'd hoped. x
ReplyDeleteCurls and Swirls